


thursday, 17.11.16

by annaloveswriting



Category: Evak - Fandom, SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 14:35:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8582179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaloveswriting/pseuds/annaloveswriting
Summary: So basically, Isak has just left the school doctor's office and Even has seen him, so he is worried now.





	

Isak had just left the bus on his way home when his phone signalled the incoming of a new text message. _Beep._ Willing the tiredness to disappear he rubbed his eyes before he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

He should have waited until he was home because the moment he saw from whom the text was, all those emotions he’d managed to push away until he felt nothing but emptiness came back in a rush.

 **Even** :  
saw you leaving doctor's office  
are you ok?

Was he alright? Of course he was _not_. The sadness combined with all the exhaustion threatened to tear him apart. When would that feeling finally go away? When would it finally stop hurting? When would he stop hurting more and more just because of _him_.

Isak had enough problems. He didn't need Even. He especially didn't need Even like _this_. Hurting him. Playing him.

He forced his body to function and managed to walk to the shared flat, praying to some god he didn't believe in that the flat would be empty.

It was. 

He dragged himself into his bed not bothering to take off neither his shoes nor his coat. He buried his face in his pillow and wanted to scream but no sound made it past his lips.

In this moment his phoned beeped for a second time.

 **Even** :  
please talk to me  
I'll come over if you don't

Isak wasn't sure whether it was meant as a threat or as an offer. Either way his heart clenched when he read Even's words.

All this week he had wished for exactly that. For Even to come over. To come to Isak and explain himself. Explain why he did what he did. Why he'd gotten Isak's hopes up and then told him he needed space and then went back to kissing _Sonja_. Sonja of all people.

The thing was, Isak wasn't even angry about it. It's not that he wasn't hurt, he truly was, but he couldn't get himself to feel angry.

He would kiss a girl if it felt good, too. He had tried, so many times but it has never felt as good as kissing Even.

So who was he to judge Even about wanting to do _the right thing_. Being with a girl. Kissing a girl. Holding a girl. Touching a girl. This is what most guys do. This is how it's supposed to be.

_Beep._

**Even** :  
Isak, I mean it

Isak sighed and willed his breath to even out again. He really needed to calm down.

He turned over and held his phone right over his face while he tried to think of a response. He decided it would be best to simply stick to the truth but not give away too much.

 **Isak** :  
it's just because I can't sleep

That was giving away too much, wasn't it? Exactly what he didn't want. Why did he sent that?

He needed to add something else. Something to stop Even talking to him. Something that would make Even leave him alone.

 **Isak** :  
I have that a lot  
sleeping issues  
don't worry

Isak turned on his side and stared at the screen of his phone. What was he doing? Was that something he should tell Even? 

Why had he even responded in the first place? Surely, he didn't want to see Even and he didn't want him to come to his flat... he could've just waited whether Even would really come over and then simply not open the door. He _could have_.

Too late for that now.

He watched the three little dots appear and disappear again. Even was typing and then deleting his texts. The tension was unbearable.

Isak's heart was pounding like a jack hammer. His whole chest was aching. How could he somehow calm down? He hid his face in his pillows again wanting to disappear from the world until everything was better again. He couldn't deal with all of this.

 **Even** :  
is it because of me?

Isak wanted to scream at him, _“Of course it is, you wanker!”_ but at the same time he wanted to ask Even why the hell he thought everything was about Even. Whether he believed the world would revolve around him, like everything was Even-centric.

Except that Isak's world indeed was. Even-centric that is. And Isak hated himself for that.

_How could he fall for a boy._

He had stuck to the truth before so why shouldn't he stuck to the truth now.

“Yes”, he typed into his phone, his fingers shaking.

He didn't send it. This was just too pathetic. He deleted it again.

“No”, he typed in next and waited a few seconds, staring at the two letters.

Without really knowing why, he deleted it again and typed in “there's just a lot going on in my life right now”.

That was true and it wasn't as pathetic as simply typing 'yes, Even you are the reason for my insomnia' but still it was too pathetic for Isak to actually send it.

After staring at an empty text box for a while he typed in one single word and finally sent his response.

 **Isak** :  
whatever

The tension Isak felt right now was way too hard to handle.

That's why he didn't wait for Even to answer but turned off his phone instead. He pushed his shoes off his feet with way too little energy and managed to peel himself out of his scarf and jacket.

What had his life become...

He buried his head in the pillows again and simply lay there for a while.

 

 

He didn't know how much time has passed but at some point he heard the door bell ringing. At first he thought he'd just imagined it – surely, _this_ wasn't possible.

Praying to a god again, just because it had worked out so well earlier, he begged that the person on the other side of the door would be Eskild or Linn or Noora who had forgotten their keys.

Even wouldn't come to his place. Why would he? Why now?

This time the gods above didn't seem to hear his pleas. The second he opened the door, he found himself standing right in front of _him_. There he was. Even.

Isak didn't dare to look Even in the eyes. Keeping his eyes leveled he simply stared at Even's throat.

Isak swallowed and watched Even swallow.

He swallowed again. Even swallowed again.

And another time.

His mouth was dry when he opened it to speak. “What do you want?”

Even lowered his head a bit while trying to catch Isak's glance but the boy simply closed his eyes.

“I...” Even tried but didn't finish his sentence. His voice was shaking – even more than Isak's own. “Can... C-Can I come in? Please?”

Isak wanted to say no, he really wanted to, but he couldn't. So he stepped out of the way and let Even come in, neither of them saying a word. 

 

“Are we alone?” Even then asked quietly.

His voice really had a certain edge to it that made Isak's urge to scream even worse than before.

“Yeah,” he replied, swallowed again and tried to force himself to add something, just anything to break this awkward, tense silence.

“Why are you here?”

Isak heard Even inhale deeply and exhale shortly after.

“To talk...,” he then said briefly. He sounded so insecure. Isak hated to hear him like that.

“Ok,” he said and nodded as trying to encourage himself, “Let's... erm... let's go to my room, just in case... someone comes back.” This would get him at least half a minute to think.

“Afraid they will see us?”

“No, I'm afraid Eskild will rip your head off,” Isak mumbled.

He could feel Even freeze.

“Did you tell him about us?” _What if??_

“No,” Isak insisted immediately. He hadn't told anyone, of course not. Nobody knew that he wasn't straight and he surely wasn't ready to tell them. “He's not stupid though... I just guess, he has figured by now...”

Even simply nodded and Isak's head hurt. His body was beginning to shake again, starting at his hands.

What were they doing? For fuck's sake, how could one survive these emotions? Was that even possible?

This time it was Even to break the silence.

“Are you alright?”

Isak let out a small, sarcastic laugh – he had to be kidding.

“How do you think I am?”

“To be honest, you look like shit.”

Isak knew Even tried to be funny but he definitely wasn't. Nothing about this situation was funny. At least, it slightly helped Isak to be angry at him.

For the first time since Even had come over today, Isak dared to look him in the eyes.

“Thanks,” he replied ironically and turned away to search his room for some weed. He definitely needed something to ease up – his body felt like he was going to burst any second.

There wasn't anything left, though.

For a little while, which actually felt like _days_ , there was silence again.

Then Even started off again saying “Isak” but Isak couldn't stand to hear his name uttered like that.

“What, Even?” He bellowed. “What do you want?”

Even tried to say something but Isak didn't let him.

“I really do feel like shit, if that's what you wanted to hear.”

Even closed his eyes and reopened them after a few seconds. He looked so fragile in this very moment, that it made Isak's heart hurt.

“So... this is about me? Us? You... feeling like shit? You going to see a doc?”

Isak couldn't believe this. “Of course it is, you damn asshole! The problem is... I don't get it? I just. Don't. Get it.”

“What?”

_You flirting with me while still being in a relationship with Sonja. You actually – physically – being with me while still being in that relationship. Kissing me. Hugging me. You telling me you told her. You telling me you need some space right after that. You kissing her._

“All of it.”

Even just looked at him as if he didn't understand what he was talking about.

_Please, don't make me say it._

Even continued simply standing there, looking confused... searching for words.

Isak swallowed hard.

His voice was hoarse when he stammered “You. Me. … Sonja.”

He added _'Sonja'_ in a way that made Even look up, made Even understand. If he hadn't known before that Isak had seen the two of them kissing, he surely knew now.

Even swallowed and nodded again, slowly. Then he closed his eyes and run his hand over his face.

“Listen, Isak...,” he said in a low voice after a short pause. He sounded really upset and it made Isak's heart bleed to hear and see him like this.

Even stayed quiet for a while, avoiding Isak's eyes. He obviously needed some time to wrap up his mind about what he wanted to say.

“Listen... I'm sorry... really...” He swallowed yet again, inhaled deeply and hold his breath. Then he exhaled. “The thing is... it's complicated...”

Isak just shook his head, trying to hold back the tears. He didn't want to cry in front of Even, he really didn't.

“Try me,” he said weakly.

Even just stared out of the window, visibly tearing up as well, and shook his head.

“I'm sorry, Isak... I can't explain it.” He took a deep breath. “I love being with you... I'm just not ready for this yet.”

 

Isak's heart sinks. All the exhaustion of the past days suddenly start to get to him. He tries and fails to hold back a tear from falling. Angry with himself, he wipes it away. He tries to calm down but fails at doing that as well. He isn't able to stop another tear from falling.

“Fuck this,” he mutters and sits down on his bed.

Out of the corner of his eye he notices Even still standing awkwardly at his spot right next to the door. He can feel him hesitating, wanting to come closer, wanting to touch.

Even doesn't do any of that, though.

“Want me to leave?” He asks instead, his voice broken.

Isak hates himself so much. He wants to say yes. He wants to want Even to leave. He wants to want Even out of his room. Being really honest with himself though, he knows he wants the complete opposite of what he actually _should_ want.

Tears falling down his face, he cannot do anything but stare up at the ceiling and whisper in a very shaky voice: “This is all so fucked up”.

He can hear Even swallowing hard.

Apparently, something about this sentence makes Even's hesitation vanish because suddenly, he closes up the space between the two of them and draws Isak in.

“I'm so sorry, Isak,” he whispers in an equally shaky voice while hugging his boy as if his life depended on it.

Isak tries to pull himself together although he knows he isn't doing a good job on it. All he can do is hide his face in Even's shoulder and somehow cling onto him. His whole body is shaking, quivering. So is Even's.

 

They were sitting like this for a while.

When Isak felt Even dropping a kiss on his hair, he pulled back a bit and looked into Even's teary eyes.

He didn't really know what to do. This whole situation was so weird but at the same time he didn't want it to stop. What was the alternative? Apparently there was none for now.

Therefore he just sighed, shrugged and shook his head in lack of other ways to express his uncertainty. He had absolutely no idea what to do. How to deal with his emotions. How to deal with Even. So he looked up at the ceiling again and just laid down on the bed, signalling Even with a short glance to join him.

When Even did exactly that, visibly relieved but uncertain himself, Isak cuddled up against him, not willing to do anything else. Somehow this turned out to be the only state he could be in, to make his life a tiny little bit bearable at the moment.

They were lying on the bed, cuddling, forgetting about time and their problems. Forgetting about Emmas, forgetting about Sonjas. Isak somehow managed to forget about his friends, about his fucked up family.... all he could think about was Even.

It wasn't fine between them, far from that, and Isak didn't know whether it would ever be fine between them but for now, it didn't matter.

Isak felt like Even was the reason for his current state of mind -- strike that, he felt like Even was the reason for _most of his problems_ , but simultaneously he felt like Even was the solution to _all_ of them. 

 

They weren't kissing. It didn't feel right after what had happened. They were just lying there, comforting each other with their sheer presence.

“You said you weren't ready yet”, Isak mumbled at some point, face hidden away in Even's sweater, too afraid of his response to actually look up but still calmer than he had felt in a long time. “Does that mean... you will be ready one day?”

Even took a deep breath. His voice wasn't shaking anymore, when he answered.

“One day, yes.”

Neither of them knew whether Even was telling the truth and if so when that particular day would come but in this very moment, it was fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for beta-ing to mintycoolnessisrelevant and isak-og-even. (both on tumblr) ♥


End file.
